“You okay?!”, texted a work friend who could tell that I haven’t been my normal bubbly Teeter over the last couple of days.
NO, I’M NOT FRIGGIN’ OKAY.
I’m insanely tired. Losing the ability to focus. Getting piercing headaches from too much rectangular glow. Fighting off depression and anxiety. Getting mired in emails, lists, and to-dos. Sick of my four walls and zero visitors within them. Feeling the gravitational pull of the bed. Angry about everything. Worried about my friends and family who are struggling. Wishing I could be more creative. Wanting a patio drink with my friends. Having never-ending entries on my own damn Honey-do list. Disappointed in the lack of empathy and humanity that I see being demonstrated in this frightening time. Scared. Lonely. OVER IT.
That’s what I was feeling in the moment I received the kind text, none of which I wanted to share. Because if I share one thing, more will pour out. Then the phone will ring. And then I’d have to start talking. And we all know what would happen then... I'll lose my shit completely. (Scorpios aren’t good at restraint.)
And that’s exactly when I started to crack.
I could feel the emotional energy welling up within me and wanting to gush out my tear ducts.
Here we go... another come-apart is on its way. 😣
As I started to cry all by myself, my chest began heaving (not in a good way) with the emotional burden I’ve been carrying. I grabbed a hold of my dresser, planted my feet on the ground, and expressed my sadness in a series of wails that can only be described as part Eponine from Les Miz and part Ron Burgundy when he thought Baxter had died. 😩😭🥺
Not wanting to become my own fugly melodrama all night, I FaceTimed a long-time friend and spiritual sister to share what was causing this drippy disaster. Through her kindness, insight, and lack of judgment, I was able to quickly move through the come-apart, gain clarity on what was running for me, and move all of that sad ooshy energy out of me. As someone who is extra sensitive energetically, I NEED to stay diligent about taking care of myself and letting go of that which is not mine and doesn’t serve me. If I don’t, I’ll pay the price physically and emotionally. Heavy energy like we are ALL experiencing gathers and intensifies within us, and if we don’t find healthy ways to move it out intentionally, it will find its way out unconsciously.
After our discussion ended, I made myself some Egyptian Licorice tea, got into my favorite PJs, crawled into my soft bed, and put on some spa music. I picked up the phone and texted my inquiring work friend:
“I’m okay.” 🙂
“Buck up Buttercup” was the response I got.
Today I am figuring out how to buck.
I am figuring out how to balance this holiday weekend that doesn’t feel like either to me. I’ve decided that I am going to consciously concentrate on integrating work and fun. Spend time connecting with others and time connecting to Nature. Writing then walking. Unpacking those last pesky moving boxes then moving my body in joy. Driving a mentally-taxing creative project and then doing absolutely nothing afterwards. Smelling the laundry detergent and then smelling the lilacs.
Despite the occasional tears, this Buttercup is Bucking. 💐